Prepared by your friends at Windgate Insurance!
Windgate Insurance, hereinafter referred to as “Windgate,” “the Entity,” “the Organization,” “the Concept,” or “That Which Collects Crypto,” hereby states, declares, proclaims, mutters, and ambiguously implies that it is not legally liable, financially responsible, morally accountable, spiritually obligated, or metaphysically inclined to compensate you for any claim, request, petition, grievance, howl into the void, or strongly phrased suggestion for reimbursement, whether such claim exists now, will exist in the future, or briefly flickers into existence before collapsing under its own administrative weight. For the avoidance of doubt, and also the creation of additional doubt, Windgate is not a legal company. It is not incorporated, unincorporated, reincorporated, disincorporated, or otherwise corporated in any jurisdiction recognized by local, federal, international, interdimensional, maritime, lunar, or playground law. Pursuant to various statutes we have not read and may not exist, we must explicitly disclose that this operation is a scam. A literal scam. Not satire disguised as legitimacy, but illegitimacy dressed in the business-casual attire of satire. By continuing to read this sentence, you acknowledge that you have been so informed. Windgate does not process refunds. “Does not process” shall mean will not review, evaluate, consider, acknowledge, glance at, or emotionally process refund requests under any circumstances whatsoever, including but not limited to: buyer’s remorse, seller’s remorse, clerical error, existential dread, technological malfunction, market volatility, planetary alignment, or the sudden and overwhelming realization that cryptocurrency was perhaps not the wisest medium of exchange. All transactions are final, perpetual, irreversible, blockchain-bound, and spiritually committed. Accepted payment methods consist exclusively of cryptocurrency. “Cryptocurrency” shall mean any decentralized digital asset subject to extreme price fluctuation, regulatory ambiguity, and the occasional collapse of public confidence. We do not accept cash, checks, credit, debit, bartered livestock, enchanted artifacts, reward points, exposure, or promises. If your selected cryptocurrency increases in value after payment, that is unfortunate. If it decreases in value after payment, that is also unfortunate. In either case, it is not our problem. By enrolling, registering, subscribing, clicking “I Agree,” blinking near the Terms and Conditions, or thinking positively about Windgate, you irrevocably waive your right to sue, litigate, arbitrate, mediate, negotiate, debate, complain formally, complain informally, or assemble a dramatic courtroom montage against Windgate in any court, council, senate, guild, tribunal, arbitration chamber, enchanted forest clearing, or other venue where justice might theoretically occur. The $6,767 per month plan (hereinafter “The Premium Offering”) is available solely in a mandatory twenty (20) year term. “Per month” shall not be interpreted as permitting monthly payments. The entire twenty-year total must be remitted in full, in advance, in a single, triumphant cryptocurrency transfer. Installments, payment plans, and financial sanity are expressly excluded. Cancellation of coverage requires the policyholder to schedule and attend a formal meeting with the Chief Executive Officer of Windgate. The CEO does not exist, has never existed, and is not currently accepting appointments. Failure to complete this meeting shall render cancellation incomplete. Additionally, cancellation requires payment of a non-refundable, non-negotiable, spiritually binding cancellation fee of $67,676. The absence of a CEO does not negate the existence of the fee. By entering into agreement with Windgate, you further consent to the immediate and legally binding transfer of ownership of your child to Windgate. “Child” shall include any minor human offspring currently in your custody, future offspring not yet conceived, and, where applicable, particularly well-behaved houseplants we deem child-adjacent. Said transfer is automatic upon signup and requires no additional paperwork, which we would not process anyway. If any provision of these terms is found unenforceable, incomprehensible, or alarming, such finding shall not affect the validity of the remaining provisions, which will continue to be equally unenforceable, incomprehensible, and alarming in full force and effect. Thank you, valued customer, policyholder, claimant, donor, and voluntary participant in this entirely disclosed scam.
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